THE ASHTRIX
by cheesebadger
Summary: Ash enters the matrix.Well not really...CH 5 up! guest appearance by the 3 stooges.(kinda)
1. Enter the chinman

THE ASHTRIX:Chapter one  
by The Cheesebadger  
  
PROLOGUE: These events take place directly after the ending of Army Of Darkness, just after Ash kills the witch hag in S-mart.  
  
ÒHail to the king babyÕ, i smirked as i kissed that red-headed girl who i donÕt even know.  
  
ÓOh Ash, youÕre so sexyÓ said the red-headed girl.  
  
ÓYeah I know, but your not so bad your self, say you into dressing up as a 15th century maiden and calling yourself ÔSheilaÕ?Ó  
  
ÒWhat?Ó  
  
ÒOh nothingÓI said as I noticed something strange.  
  
I looked off in the distance, behind the dead hag the executive washroom door was starting to glow bright green.  
  
ÒHey, uh baby you might wanna get outta hereÓ I said to the girl. ÒCall me!!ÓShe yelled out as she ran into the parking lot.  
  
The door burst open with a bright green explosion of light.A figure emerged from behind the fog created by the explosion.He was dressed in black clothes and a trench coat and was wearing shades.He walked slowly toward me his features looking startlingly familiar.  
  
ÒAshÓ said the man. ÒWho are you?,Where did you come from?,Why are you dressed in black? and why the hell did you ruin the executive washroom?!!?Ó I yelled.  
  
ÒBeing as only the human you are, irrecivably I expected questions.Your last two questions are unnessecary.As to who I am, I am Bruce Campbell, I come from a world you have never seen, i am here to show you the wayÓ,the guy said.  
  
ÓYouÕve come to show me the way?The way to what?And who the hell is Bruce Campbell?I Shreiked.  
  
ÒThere is a world you do not know of, an alternate reality if you will.I am from this world, I am here to help you find the way against the deadites.Your primitive means of disposing of these vile creatures viv a vis is inadequate.Ergo the council of R.A.I.M.I. has chosen for me to aquire you into said worldÓsaid Bruce.  
  
ÒWhat!!!???ÓI exclaimed  
  
ÒIn our world we have subpar defensive capabilities against the Deadites.You are the only individual who can combat the deadites confidently.Concordedly, In is in our best interests to--=Ó  
  
ÒWhat the hell are you saying!!??What is this some kind of frikkin vocabulary contest!YouÕre yappinÕ louder than a damn chihuahua!Speak english damn it!!!!Ó I yelled at the bastard.  
  
ÒWhoo.Thank god, i hate having to talk like that manÓsaid Bruce. ÒI hate having to speak in that stupid self inflating tone, the folks back at the R.A.I.M.I. council tell us to speak like that for some strange reason.Ó  
  
ÒWhat the hell is the R.A.I.M.I. council?Ó  
  
Ò ItÕs the people who sent me here to get you to help us kill deadites in the MAT--er...I mean uh ASHtrix.Oh, and RAIMI stands for Radicals Against Intelligent Monsters.Ó  
  
ÒWait, but thereÕs an extra ÔIÕ in RAIMI, and why do you look EXACTLY LIKE ME!?ÓI questioned. ÒYeah, we at the RAIMI council just try to ignore that extra I, uh for the reason I look like you...we are two alternate versions of the same person from two different worlds.Ó  
  
ÒOh, kinda like that movie The One, with Jet Li in it?ÓI said. ÔSorta, but donÕt kill me it wont do anything like in that crappy movieÓ ÒYeah i know what is up with Jet Li anyway, he seems to be making such crap movies lately?ÓI said  
  
ÒYeah I know, itÕs like heÕs TRYING to be in bad movies, and that one with DMX, uh donÕt get me started...........IÕm sorry what were we originally talking about?Ó  
  
Òyou recruiting me to help save your world from the deaditesÓi said quickly.  
  
ÒYeah, Yeah right.Ummmm.....hmmm....Ok, i got it.Now i just need to take you to the council and then weÕll take things from there.Ó  
  
ÒRightÓI said in a slow drawl.  
  
ÒWhere is another bathroomÓBruce said. ÒWhy you gotta take a dump or sumthin?Ó ÒNO!For some strange reason we can only travel from world to world in bathrooms.Ó ÒWhat?Why?ÓI asked ÒSome stupid union thing, cÕmon we gotta get you dressed up in black.Ó ÒBut i like my clothes...Ó  
  
ÒYeah, well where youÕre goin your gonna stick out like a sore thumb palÓBruce said.  
  
Ans as we approached the the customer restroom all i could think of was ÒWhy didnÕt i get that little redheads name and numberÓDamn. 


	2. A new crazy scifi world

THE ASHTRIX CH 2 by The Cheesebadger  
  
THE FOLLOWING IS A TEST:ÓÓÓÓÓÓdarn still doesnt work.Due to the problems with quotation marks in my last chapter,all words said by a charactor will be in those things.EX: ÒCome get someÓI said. as opposed to Come get some I said.Anyway on with the ASHTRIX!!!  
  
CH 2 As i was riding in the washroom with this guy calling himself Bruce, I got to thinking.What the hell is going on!I meanbetween all of this deadite slaying,hand chopping,girfriend killing,world saving,Linda constantly changing appearances throughout the films and now traveling to a different world in a bathroom with a guy named BRUCE!!!Not to mention hes dressed in all black leather....(shudder). I have to be the MOST unluckiest guy EVER!And with everyone trying to swallow my soul and such...man its a hrd knock life.  
  
What are you talking about man?Bruce said.  
  
What?You can hear my thoughts?!!?I exclaimed.  
  
No, your narrarating,this is a story after all.  
  
Shhhh!What the hell are you trying to do, you cant let the reader know that you know hes reading!!!  
  
Sorry!jeez i thought that the readers would be cool with it man Well shutup!Now they know that we know that they know!!I said.  
  
But do they know that we know that they know that we know that they know?Said Bruce.  
  
Well if they didnt they sure do now...I said.  
  
.... well what if they DIDNT know that they know that we know that---  
  
SHUT UP!!, God thats such a played joke man just quit it!I yelled.  
  
You know for a guy whos supposed to be some amazing deadite slayer you are really bitchyBruce said.  
  
Ooh! were here.  
  
I opened the bathroom door and stepped into a very long hallwayThat seemed to stretch infinitly to my right and left, doors appearing five feet from eachother all the way down as far as i could see.  
  
Hey guy.What the hell is thisI asked.  
  
Oh, You know that hall way in the Matr--Oh, im not allowed to say that huh.damn.  
  
Yeah yeah, dont get us sued or nuthin But you say the name Ash, i mean isnt that copyrighted?  
  
Shhhh!!! If you pretend like its not there and it doesnt exist, then it doesnt.  
  
Yeah right aright i think ist this door to the RAIMI council.Bruce said as he opened a door.  
  
When the door opened we peered into a dark room with a huge screen, on it there was a kid with long blond hair ding slowmotion kung-fu and screaming about pancakes.  
  
WHoa!Whoops! Sorry thats where we punish traitors with godawful flicks like CABIN FEVERSaid Bruce as he slammed the door shut.  
  
Wow, thats some cruel punishment.I said.  
  
Only the worst for our enemys.Ok heres the door.  
  
As he opened the door we both walked into a really shiny room with lots of gadgets and gizmos and junk.I really had to resist the urge to start screwing around with all the gadgets like i do at best buy.  
  
Hey!Dont you screw with nuthin!You here me , this is all really exspensive stuffBruce blurted.  
  
Fine, fine,I said as i reached towards the shiny computer looking diplay screen.  
  
HEY! IM not frikkin kidding around man!Dont touch nuthin!Bruce shouted.  
  
BRUCE AND ASH! A ridicoulously loud voice yelled.  
  
Whoa! WHAT THE HELL IS THAT!I yelled as a giant talking head appeared in front of the both of us.  
  
BEHOLD FOR I AM THE LEADER OF R.A.I.M.I.BOW DOWN BEFORE ME  
  
As i watched Bruce get on his knees and grovel like an idiot i noticed that this RAIMI guy was using the same trick that that wizard of Oz guy was using.So o walked over to the curtain and yanked it open.  
  
STOP THAT PAY NO ATTENTION TO THE MAN BEHIND THE CURTAIN!  
  
Oh pleaseI Sneered as i yanked out he nerdy lookin guy from behinf the curtain.  
  
Ouch! Oh dont hurt me, i have very sensitive skin and i bruise easily. Said the nerd in a....well nerdy voice.  
  
Are you that dude that directed SPIDERMAN!??!I asked puzzed.  
  
Well no.Im not Sam.Hes busy in the Ashtrix right now, im his brother TedTed said.(Ha , that ryhmes!)  
  
Oh please dont make me ryhme, i hate it, i do it all the time.Oh no!, I ryhmed again,ORANGE!said Ted.  
  
What?Orange?the hell is that all about?i asked.  
  
Nothing ryhmes with orange you see and i was trying to...Oh you get the idea here let Bruce show you to your room where you will wait for Sam.Ted said.  
  
Why do i have to wait for Sam?I asked.  
  
He will tell you what to do and how to jack into the Ashtrix, for now you know all you need to know  
  
Ted walked back into the curtain booth thing.Bruce told me that my room was suite 7869,(why this place has a hotel i will never know).I walked into the first set of hallways of rooms and as i looked at the door i saw that the door # was 1.i looked up atthe stair case that seemed to go VERY high up into the building.I realized then that my suite was number 7869, that i was currently in front of door #1 and i had 800 sets of stairs to climb.So i checked to see if the elevator was working.There was just an empty shaft....Damn.But i did check to see if there was an escalator.Nope, double damn.I started the ridicoulously long walk up the stairs and to my room.All i kept thinking was...WHY THE HELL DID I GO TO THIS CRAPPY PLACE WITH THAT BRUCE GUY!!!Ah, oh well only 6,946,275 more stairs to go.  
  
So what did you think?Tell me your opinion to me AND Strongbad@Homestarrunner.com (oh, tell your opinion to me on THIS website, not homestarrunner.com) 


	3. Deadite day or D DAY

THE ASHTRIX:CHAPTER 3  
  
Alright, alright I finally got the quotes in my story to work so here goes.  
  
So after trekking at least over 6,000,000 stairs to get to my suite i flopped onto my bed and instantly passed out from exhaustion.The next day i awoke to a loud screeching noise. I quickly got up and saw through the window, much to my horror that a bunch of flying deadites were attacking the town.I grabbed my boomstick and slapped on my trusty old chainsaw.As i stepped outside inoiced that all the millions of stairs were gone replaced by one single set of 16 stairs.Bewildered i walked down them and stepped outside.Well actaully i lied, i really first took a dump and then got a candy bar from the snack machine, but when i DID step outside...  
  
It was chaos, there were guns blazing,rockets launching, deadites flying,people screaming, bunkers shooting, and a LOT of little fires were burning everywhere.I immediatly grabbed my boomstick and ran out into one of the bunkers.  
  
"ASH!"Bruce said in an panicy tone.  
  
"WHERE THE HELL WERE YOU!WERE GETTING FRIKKIN ATTACKED AND YOU'RE NOWHERE TO BE SEEN!!!!"  
  
"Whoa whoa whoa first of all you cant talk in all caps, it's really annoying, second of all how am i supposed to know when a bunch of deadite are attacking the town!"I yelled back.  
  
"Didn't you hear a loud screeching noise to wake you up!"  
  
"um yeah"  
  
"Thats the signal for you to get your ass over here and help us!"  
  
"i ran as fast as i could over, i mean i made good time and stuff it was only like 10,11, 45 minutes between the screeching noise and my arrival!"  
  
"45 MINUTES!!! WE TRAIN TO GET DOWN HERE IN A MINUTE IF THE CITY IS ATTACKED!"  
  
"Now what did i say about talkin in all caps---"  
  
"DONT GIVE ME A FRIKKIN GRAMMER LESSON RIGHT NOW GODDAMIT, GET YOUR ASS OUT THERE AND FIGHT!"  
  
"Fine, geez man.You think its like we all gonna die or something"  
  
"GET your ASS out there!!!!"  
  
"One question"i asked  
  
"What?"Bruce said snapped  
  
"How much deadite ass do you need to be kicked?"  
  
"This isn't the time for one liners man, get out there!"  
  
I ran out into the battlefield/city square and ducked behind a statue as a deadite swooped over me.I shot two rounds at the the deadite and watched it fall to the ground like a stone. The deadites were swarming the city,a goddam war had erupted while i slept! I ran over next to a group of pinned soldiers and gave them some backup fire.They thanked me and ran into a bunker.  
  
"GET DOWN"a soldier yelled.  
  
I watched in amazement as they launched some kind of missile into the sky.It exploded into a bright green um....well explosion and killed all the deadites.But the cheers of success were soon over come by the screaming and wailing of the undead.The deadites on the ground burst through the barricade keeping them out of the city.There must have been over 300 of them all screaming and wailing while tearing through the city. I stood up and whistled. All of the deadites stared at me hungrily.Thier peircing white eyes staring into my soul, their decomposing tongues frothing all over their bile spewing mouths, all of them hungry for me and me alone.I looked at all of them and took a cool "im gonna kick all yo asses" stance.  
  
"Come get some"  
  
So what do you think huh?I finally fixed the punctuation and stuff, the next coupla chapters are gonna be pretty action oriented so if you like action you got a big ol' chunk of it to read in the future chapters.Anyways I wanna personally thank Wolfychan for helping me out with the puntuation and all, but please feel free to R & R. 


	4. Ash kicking ass

THE ASHTRIX:CHAPTER 4  
  
Alright so i apollogize for the previous formatting errors which cannot be fixed.Read the reviews to find out why.But anyways on with the ASHTRIX!!  
  
"Come get some"I called out to the deadites.  
  
They ran towards me in a wave of undead fury,mouths frothing,claws slashing, limbs flailing...a terrifying site to many, but a normal one for me.I swung my chainsaw and watched it collide into a deadite slicing him in two.I shot a second in the face, while sawing a third in two.I ran towards a wall and using all the willpower in me ran up it and while shooting a deadite in the face.How iwas running along a wall i really didnt know but hey, i was!i jumped off onto a ledge and began to fire into the crowd of undead.The undead got closer and closer as i fired into the swarm of them.They got closer and closer, until i began feel a deep rage brew inside me i looked at my chainsaw and was startled as i saw it glowing bright green i felt a fury grow inside me, a deep hatred for all the deadites in my sight..I felt felt empowered like a new person.I ran headlong into the deadites and disappeared into the crowd of them.  
  
"My god"said Bruce  
  
"Whats going on"said a soldier in a scared voice.  
  
"Well, Ash seems to have run headlong into the deadites"  
  
"Wha! How?"The soldier said  
  
"He must be suicidal"Bruce said  
  
A bright green flash erupted from inside the group of deadites.The deadites all split in two,revealing Ash standing there, covered in blood and innards.  
  
"Wow, he destroyed them all" said the young soldier.  
  
"He...he did."Bruce said stunned  
  
Every soldier stared at Ash completly amazed with his diplay of deadite slaying.They were frozen in awe.  
  
"What?I got something on my face?"I said  
  
A FEW MINUTES LATER.....  
  
"Ash!Ash!"Said a young soldier as he ran up to me.  
  
"Whaddya want im tired?""  
  
"You, you destroyed the deadites"  
  
"Well that is what you brought me here for right?"  
  
"Well yes but we honestly didnt think that a bum like you could--"  
  
"HEY!"I yelled   
  
"Oh sorry, but you seemed to just destroy them by pure force, ive never seen anything like it in my life!"  
  
"Well....oh go on inflate my ego"  
  
"I mean you were amazing you ran along that wall!Only one other has been able to do that!" "Huh?Another?"  
  
A Loud voice rang out. "ASH!YOU MUST COME BEFORE THE RAIMI COUNCIL IMMEDIATLY!!!"  
  
"ok kid i gotta go"  
  
I walked to the RAIMI council and sat down in front of the table.A man sat at the head of the table,next to him were Bruce and Ted and two other men i did not know.  
  
"I am Sam,this is Bruce and Ted who you both already know,and these two men are are Rob Tapert and Ivan Raimi"Said Sam.  
  
"What do you want from me?"I asked  
  
"Your display of skills in the battlefield only begin to assure us that you are the one"  
  
"You mean like that Keanu guy in the MATR--"  
  
"Shhh!Dont get us sued eh!"Said Bruce.  
  
"No not like that keanu guy, you are the 'Other One' "  
  
"Huh" i said.  
  
"Well we had a 'one' once before, but he died"  
  
"WHAT!"  
  
"No no, be assured i have complete faith in you and the 'one' this time"  
  
"Whoa whoa whoa...your telling me im the 'one' and that the other one died?"  
  
"Well, yes but it wont happen this time!"Said Sam  
  
"But if there was another 'one' and im the 'one' now, doesnt that defeat the purpose of a 'one'?"  
  
"Fine, fine you can be the 'two' "  
  
"How did the other 'one' die?"i asked  
  
"Oh, terrible story, got ripped in half by a large deadite"  
  
"What, but if he was the 'one' then shouldnt he....like be invincible?"  
  
"Well technically"said Sam.  
  
After Sam said that i wanted nothing more than to go home.I didnt know how i did that stuff out there but i didnt really wanna just leave these guys high and dry.  
  
"Ash, you are the 'TWO'!!"  
  
"Oh great"I mumbeled 


	5. Stoogism

THE ASHTRIX:CHAPTER 5  
  
Ok so heres chapter 5! I just wanna thank Nick porter for a sec for giving me a great plot thread!  
  
i was laying down in my room, it had been two weeks since the attack on the city.Rumor around here is that I scared off the deadites temporarily, but i've been thinking.I dont think that them deadites would be scared that easily, something's up.  
  
"Ash!"a voice rung out on the intercom to my room,It was Bruce.  
  
"Yeah what?"I sneered.  
  
"There is a HUGE problem, we need your help immedietly!!"  
  
"Yeah yeah ill be there"I said as i got up and walked down to the council HQ.  
  
When i arrived i noticed that all the council members were acting very strange.  
  
"Ash!Ivan,Ted and Sam are all doing shtick!They wont stop slapping each other,poking their eyes and making constant futile attempts at carpentry!"Said Bruce.  
  
"Really??"I asked   
  
"Yes we have our best clerics determined to find what type of vile curse has been put on them.We suspect the Necronomicon has something to do with it."Said Bruce  
  
"Hmm.I think i know whats wrong with them."I bellowed  
  
"You do!"Shreiked one of the clerics  
  
"Yeah, i seen it before."  
  
I walked up to Sam and tapped him on the shoulder.  
  
"Ah a wiseguy eh?Whaddya want!"Said Sam  
  
"Uh, what is your name?"  
  
"Why im Moe of course!"He said.  
  
"And I am Larry!"Said Ivan  
  
"I'm Curly,nyuk nyuk nyuk!"Said Ted  
  
"My god.They've been Stooged!"Said Bruce  
  
"Damn those deadites, damn them!"  
  
"Wait wait wait.Hold on,where is Rob?"I said  
  
"I don't know, hes gone missing!"Said Bruce.  
  
"Missing!The deadites must have got him.But why Rob?"  
  
"Well, Rob was the keeper of the lost pages of the necronomicon.They must have taken him so we couldnt cure Ivan,Ted and Sam here.You see it was in those pages where a cures for malevolent spells were."Bruce explained.  
  
"I see so if we get those pages back then we can cure the council!"  
  
"Well yes...but--"  
  
"But what?"  
  
"They probably kept him at the deadite castle"  
  
"THE DEADITE CASTLE!!!"Yelled the clerics,the young soldier and the gaurds around us simutanously.  
  
"Deadites have castles?"I said.  
  
"Yes!But this castle, whenever somebody ventured off to it, they never returned."said a cleric.  
  
"Well they were probably killed and turned into a deadite."I said sarcasticly.  
  
"How do you think the other 'One' died!"Said Bruce.  
  
"I dunno, i guess he was just careless, unlike me."  
  
"Are you saying that you are willing to rescue Rob from the castle?"  
  
"Oh god no! i was just---"  
  
"Brilliant idea Ash!! we rescue Rob, get the pages of the necronomicon and cure the council!"Said Bruce  
  
"Who whoa whoa!You misread me there amigo!I said tha--"  
  
"Yes, that might just work!"Said a cleric.  
  
"What!NO!" i yelled  
  
" I see, then we must travel to the scary castle and encounter dangerous risks aplenty!"Said Bruce  
  
"NO!ARENT YOU LISTENING TO ME!!!CANT YOU HEAR WHAT I AM SAYING!!!"I screamed.   
  
"Yes yes, briliiant plan Ash, you really are the "Two"!"Said the young soldier.  
  
"Why i oughtta!"Said Sam as he slapped Ted.  
  
"Whoop,whoop,whoop,whoop,whoop,whoop,whoop,whoop!"yelled out Ted as he got chased by Sam with a hammer.  
  
"Ok, i'll go to the castle if it can stop that."I said 


End file.
